That's how I'm beginning to see teaching. I keep trying to distance myself, assure myself and everyone else that I'm on my way out of this career and headed into a new direction. But then it grabs hold of me again. I kind of feel like George, trying to break up with Susan, to no avail.
When I left the sweat hogs it seemed all too simple. It was so excruciatingly hard to leave them. But to leave teaching? No sweat. I gave away all, and I really do mean all, of my teaching materials, training manuals, books, stuff. All of it. It was so much, more than I could fit in one load in my car. And I left it all with one teacher or another. And I walked away feeling lighter.
Then I start substitute teaching down here and I get a new group of sweat hogs that I also loved and enjoyed. That was, obviously, a temporary gig though and I left it with no problem. Then, I started subbing at my old school, on a semi-permenant basis. It has been so good being back - almost like I never left. I love seeing my old friends again and picking up where we'd left off. But this is where things started to get difficult too.
First, a teacher approached me about her retirement at the end of the year. Would I like her to recommend me for her job? Then I am chosen substitute teacher of the month - for the whole district. What an honor! It was so nice to get recognized in that way. For real. But it did make me pause and ask myself, what are you doing? And on a pretty regular basis, I get a chance to connect with a kid and that feeling floods back. Why am I leaving this? I love this? Am I crazy? The alternative school will have at least two job openings next year and they'd love to have me. They'd like me to start there teaching and then eventually slide into a school counselor position (which, unfortunately, I won't be qualified to do). Then, just this weekend, I get a call from a principal who wants me to step in for a teacher that is leaving mid-year. Ahhh!
But then, when I'm up in front of a class of 35 eighth graders trying to keep them busy with just a word search that their teacher has left for them to fill an entire 90 minute class period (true story, what the heck?), I remember. I do not love working with 35 kids. Give them to me in small groups or one-on-one. Let us completely forget about fractions or the solar system for a while and let us talk about what's real. Like their lesbian mom and how she says that there must not be a God since the bible says that He hates gay people. (Which it DOES NOT say, just for the record. But true story, again. This just happened recently in an art class I was teaching!) Then I'm in my element.
Still, this has been a part of the transition that I did not anticipate. And it's been tough. My friends look at me like I have two heads when I talk about it. How can anyone complain about loving their job (which, to be fair I do, but only about 49% of the time.), getting an award or multiple job offers?
But its because it makes me question my steps in this process. Steps that I was, and am mostly :), still sure were led by God and NOT my idea to begin with. I want to be a counselor. So teaching, let me go!
